Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood Clean from thy sofa?

Doom and despair: there is blood on the divine white fabric settee that was your pride and joy!

This sorry sight makes scream like a Scottish bean sith, wailing her heart out to herald an imminent death. These folkloric fairies – close to the Irish banshees – used to be seen in lochs or rivers, as late as 1948, washing the bloodstained clothes or armours of those who were about to die. The arrival of the washing machine probably put them out of a job. These sad creatures were right, not about keening loudly, but about using ice cold water. They knew never to use hot water, as it would set the red stains forever.

To salvage your distressed sofa, the secret is immediate intervention. Within seconds of the accident, blot the offensive spillage with kitchen paper until no more fluid can be pulled from the fabric. Then, wet a pretty white cotton cloth with sparkling cold water and gently blot from the outer edge of the stain towards the centre to prevent the stain from spreading. This should get rid of most of the undesirable blemish. Now, with a steady hand, mix some soda bicarb – aka baking soda – or some arrow root, with just enough cold water to make a soft paste. Spread it nicely on the disaster area and gently rub it in with your fingers. Give this magic mixture time to dry before brushing it off a soft cloth. Remove the remaining residue with a ravishing clean white cotton cloth dipped in cold water.

Repeat the treatment as often as necessary to oust the ghastly non-grata. Blot the area with a lovely clean and dry cotton towel to absorb any remaining moisture.