The mystery of missing socks
Lost socks are an international drama of such magnitude that a special commemoration day was created for them. No sock wearer is immune to this calamity. From luxury cashmere or silk socks to simple sports ones, these poor things could all, one day, find themselves alone. Leading scientists, commissioned to promote a washing-machine, studied one of life’s greatest mysteries. Their highly publicised research led them to devise an equation to predict the probability of ending up with odd socks after washing and drying them:
(L(p x f)+C(t x s))-(P x A)
L = volume of the laundry (product between number of people (p) in the household and laundry frequency (f)). C = laundry complexity (different laundry types (t) – whites, darks – in the week and number of socks (s). P = positivity of the person towards doing the laundry and A = degree of attention to the wash (checking pockets, unrolling socks before washing, etc.).
Conclusion: the higher the volume of the washes, the higher the probability of loss. This one is an easy one, even without the equation. Their formula explains why the doomed socks disappear, but it doesn’t tell us which vortex they vanish into. Tearful owners of these loose pieces gave a few leads, such as behind the radiator, under the bed, under a wardrobe or at the bottom of a cupboard. Possible, but if that were the case, they would be retrieved when cleaning. Even during the strictest of lockdowns and after thorough spring cleaning of the whole house, virtually none of missing socks were found. Unless the cat started dealing in these slippery garments, the mystery remains unravelled.
After a year and a day, consider them gone for good. You can, like Timothy, decide to team up orphan socks and wear them with pride. Otherwise, you’ll have to reassign remaining solos to new missions. They can morph into cosy muffs to pack your shoes into your suitcase. Another option, always popular with the kids, is to give them a new career in showbiz as puppets or lovely fury stuffed animals. If you have a bruise, remember to squeeze a plastic bag filled with ice-cubes into a lonesome sock before applying it to the disaster area. Single socks make perfect hand mitts for dusting your furniture or washing and buffing your car, motorbike and bicycle, polishing and shining your shoes. They’ll be glad to help you move your furniture around. Just secure some of these strays under the legs and push or pull. Possibilities to give these poor dears a new lease of life are endless.
